On October 27, 1991, a fishing boat called the Andrea Gail sailed out heading to Nova Scotia. The fishermen were hoping to bring in a great catch that would be worth a great deal of money. Instead, what they got was a storm unlike anything they had ever seen. Three storms combined into one and it ravaged the northeast for four days. There are conflicting reports but most scientists agree that waves peaked at 100 feet high. It was called the perfect storm because it was so unlikely for three storms to collide at just the right moment and create one huge storm. Scientists might still refer to this storm with awe and appreciation to this day, but I seriously doubt the fishermen were impressed. The storm sank their ship and no one survived.

I was reminded of this storm a few days ago when I was reading my Bible and came across Acts 27. Paul and Luke encountered their own perfect storm. Paul had been imprisoned and was sailing to Italy to appeal to Caesar. Verse 13 says a good wind came along and they thought they were going to have a pleasant sailing. But verse 14 says a dangerous, violent wind came along and their ship was in trouble. The thing I found interesting was verse 20. It said many days had passed and the conditions were worsening, and Paul and Luke thought all hope was lost.

The other week we started looking at the Beatitudes and relating them to our lives today. The second verse of the Beatitudes is more often understood than the first verse. It says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Honestly, I didn't think this verse really applied to me at this time in my life. No one close to me has died. Since I'm not in mourning, what is there to be comforted about? Yet when I read this verse from The Message, I realized just how wrong I was. It says, "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

Excluding people, the thing I lost two years ago that was most dear to me was my independence. I remember when my doctor told me it was time to quit work and apply for disability. I remember moving my belongings into my parents' home. I remember becoming so sick I couldn't drive for over a year. That was one of the most difficult times in my life. I didn't realize how much I valued my independence until it was gone.

I used to think I had a good relationship with God. I read my Bible every day, prayed, and always went to church. I did the things I knew Christians were supposed to do and stayed away from the things they weren't supposed to do. Basically, I was a good Christian. But I didn't understand what it meant to truly want God even more than the basic necessities of life.

And then one day I found myself so sick I couldn't work. I lost my job, my independence, my money, and for a while my sense of worth. I knew I couldn't survive just being a good Christian. Good Christians are focused on what they think they are supposed to do but don't have a deep, meaningful relationship with God. Being a good Christian wasn't fighting the despair I dropped deeper into each day. Being a good Christian didn't make me want to get out of bed in the morning. Being a good Christian didn't fill my heart with the joy and peace I knew was supposed to be there. And then one day I realized I knew the Bible but I didn't know my God. I came across Matthew 5:6 and knew somehow I had missed the boat. "You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat."

Being sick changes a person. It changes the way they live, act, and even treat others. Although this may sound odd to some, it easy to become selfish when a person is sick. It might not be intentional on the sick individual's part, but it is something that often happens all the same.

With the diagnosis of a disease comes numerous fears and worries. Sometimes we feel sorry for ourselves and have the attitude, "Woe is me." People always ask us how we are doing. Doctor visits become a normal part of life. Every day has to be thought out and planned. And with all these changes, life quickly becomes all about "me."

Often, those of us who are sick don't even realize what we are doing. We don't want to be self-centered, yet it's hard not to do so with our thoughts dominated about ourselves and what we are facing. With thoughts about our situation controlling everything we do, not only are our friends and family affected, but so is our relationship with God.

It's hard to bring honor to God when we think more about our difficult circumstances than we do on Christ and others. Jesus reminds us in the Beatitudes how important it is to think and care about others. "You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for." (Matthew 5:7).

For as long as I can remember, I have had a problem in my relationship with God. I daresay, we all have something in our walks with God which He keeps bringing to the forefront of our lives compelling us to work on and improve. For some, it's a sin we repeatedly do, even when we don't want to. For others, it's an issue of belief about a certain characteristic of God they struggle to believe. My problem falls in the second category, although truth be told, it's a sin because I'm not fully trusting what God says in His Word. I struggle to believe God loves me with an unfailing love. "How can that be," one might wonder. It's not that I doubt God's love for others. I have doubted God's love for me.

As with all things, God has been growing me in this area for years. He started by helping me see that He didn't love me because He had to, as if I was the black sheep of the family of God and loving me was His job. He then helped me see that I am very special to Him, no less special than anyone else. From there, we moved on to trusting that His love will always be there no matter what I do. On and on, He and I have worked to remove all the lies Satan has led me to believe. Recently, I told a friend I felt as if God had placed me in a spiritual boot camp. He and I have been working hard to rid my mind once and for all of the last few lies which have held me back in truly believing and accepting God's perfect love for me, an imperfect person.

Every year at Thanksgiving, my family rents a house in the North Carolina mountains for a week. It's a trip we all look forward to each year. It's the one time in the year when the entire family gets time off from work, which enables us to all take a family vacation together. More so than normal, this year we all desperately needed the time away from life. The past several months have been hard for the entire family. From sickness to chaotic work schedules, everyone was exhausted and in desperate need of a vacation. Unfortunately, this year's vacation didn't provide the relief we were all hoping for.

My father, who is a pastor, had to return home two days into the trip to perform a funeral. On the day my father was gone, my brother-in-law got a phone call saying his uncle had unexpectedly died from a massive heart attack. So my sister's family had to go home early. On the day they left, we all decided to head to a Christmas tree farm before they returned home. While there, a parked car began rolling down a hill and came dangerously close to hitting my sister's van and almost ran over several people in the process. Needless to say, the family vacation was not nearly as relaxing and restful as we had hoped.

I've often said I don't know how anyone can have a chronic illness without having a relationship with God. Being sick all the time is hard. It's painful, frustrating, confusing, and often depressing. The only way to endure a chronic illness without becoming angry and bitter is to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Recently, I have started getting a new medicine to help fight lupus. I go to a place where they hook me up to an IV and give me my medicine. This place isn't a hospital or doctor's office. It's an office building with many rooms filled with recliners, and people with all types of diseases come for the same reason as myself. Being in a room with four other people, not to mention doctors and nurses constantly walking around checking on everyone, suffice it to say there's a good deal of talking going on.

I have been looking forward to this week for a while. For several months, I have been very busy. Somehow, my days and weeks became booked before I even realized just how busy I had become. But not this week. Although I don't how, I managed to have nothing on my schedule. No appointments, no errands, no church functions, and no visits with family and friends. Just a whole week to be home and accomplish the things I've needed to work on for weeks. It was supposed to be an easy week, or so I thought.

Last Thursday, one of my doctors was concerned about some new symptoms I've been having and decided I needed to come in Monday to be examined. Because her office is two hours away from home, it became an all-day event. After being examined, she decided I need to have an outpatient procedure done Friday. This will also be an all-day event. That leaves Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. But as I write this, there is now a possibility I need to drive an hour away on Tuesday to sign papers in order to receive a medical treatment on either Wednesday or Thursday. So now I'm left with one day to do with as I please, and that depends on if I feel well. Needless to say, this is not how I envisioned my week.

I've worked with children and teenagers for eleven years. For nine of those years, I've been sick. I was diagnosed with lupus my senior year in high school. There hasn't been a single day of my adult life when I haven't been sick. Because of this, it's been impossible to be around someone for a prolonged period of time without them knowing my health isn't always as I would like it to be.

Every group of kids I've worked with has known I'm sick. Although it's not a frequent topic of conversation, it is known by all that Ms. Erin has days she is exhausted and doesn't feel well. Despite knowing this, my illness isn't what children think of when they think of me. To them, I'm not a sick person - someone with a horrible disease. To them, I'm just me. They see me for who I am. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for most adults.

I'm lying in a hospital bed getting an IV bag of nutrients. For the past six months, I've had to do this once a month. However, today marks the beginning of my receiving these nutrients via IV twice a month. My body is doing a lousy job of maintaining the correct nutrient levels. I'm also currently taking antibiotics. The only problem is the past several times I've needed antibiotics my body hasn't registered that it has an infection, so I have to get very sick before I realize there's a problem. Added to all of this is the fact I've had zero energy for several months.

"Why am I telling you this," one might wonder. Because auto-immune diseases, along with most chronic illnesses, don't usually just give a person a bad day physically here and there. Most of us measure our bad days in spans of weeks and sometimes months. And when that happens, it is extremely easy to focus on all the problems in our lives rather than focus on the good.