Being diagnosed with lupus in high school meant I experienced many highs and lows in regard to my health, including two times the lupus became life-threatening. Because of this, I thought nothing could surprise me. I was wrong. In October 2008, my liver once again became inflamed and I was told to take a week off work and rest. By this time, I was used to my liver being inflamed. It had become a warning system to me and let me know when I needed to rest and not push myself quite so much. Knowing this, I did what I was told, fully expecting to go back to work the following week. Again, I was wrong. Week after week went by and I never got better. By the time my doctor told me I needed to apply for disability, almost every organ in my body was inflamed – the area around my heart, my lungs, stomach, liver, small and large intestines, and kidneys. To say I was in pain is a gross understatement. There are no words to describe the excruciating agony I lived in twenty-four hours a day for months on end. Night after night I would take medicine to help me sleep, and night after night I was awakened by the sheer intensity of the pain. In those long, sleepless nights, one question constantly consumed my thoughts: “Does God even care?”
Everyone has moments in his life that redefines who he is as a person. Some of the moments are good and some are bad, but rarely are they expected. These moments often change the direction in which we are headed and can cause us to examine who we are and what we believe. I’ve had several of these moments in my life, but there are two which turned my life upside-down and inside-out. One of them happened four years ago.
Being diagnosed with lupus in high school meant I experienced many highs and lows in regard to my health, including two times the lupus became life-threatening. Because of this, I thought nothing could surprise me. I was wrong. In October 2008, my liver once again became inflamed and I was told to take a week off work and rest. By this time, I was used to my liver being inflamed. It had become a warning system to me and let me know when I needed to rest and not push myself quite so much. Knowing this, I did what I was told, fully expecting to go back to work the following week. Again, I was wrong. Week after week went by and I never got better. By the time my doctor told me I needed to apply for disability, almost every organ in my body was inflamed – the area around my heart, my lungs, stomach, liver, small and large intestines, and kidneys. To say I was in pain is a gross understatement. There are no words to describe the excruciating agony I lived in twenty-four hours a day for months on end. Night after night I would take medicine to help me sleep, and night after night I was awakened by the sheer intensity of the pain. In those long, sleepless nights, one question constantly consumed my thoughts: “Does God even care?” Growing up, I lived in a house that had a pond in the backyard. I always enjoyed looking out my window and seeing fish jumping, ducks swimming, and turtles lying in the sun. But to my grandfather, our pond meant something else. It was his place to go fishing.
I learned at an early age how to bait a hook, cast a line, reel in a fish, and clean a fish once it’s been caught. This was all done so the family could then have a fish fry in my grandparents’ backyard. Yet with all of those lessons learned about fishing, I never realized the uniqueness of different species of fish, specifically flounder. Flounder are hunted at all stages of their lives. Apparently, they are delicious to more than just humans. When a flounder is born, he looks like a normal fish. Yet after a while, he moves to the floor of his habitat to help protect himself from being hunted. Over time, the side on which he chooses to lie becomes flat, and his eye moves to the other side of his body. We’ve all heard it. All mothers, no matter their race or age, have a list of rules by which all children should live. There’s the outlandish rule which says, “Always leave the house wearing clean underwear,” to the wise “never talk to strangers” rule. Of the many “mama’s rules” children learn growing up, this rule is said almost as much as the infamous mantra, “Life isn’t fair.” From teachers to parents, just about every adult has quoted this rule to a child at least once in his lifetime. And if, like me, your mouth was open more than it was closed, chances are you often heard, “If you can’t say anything nice, than don’t say anything at all.”
Now that I’m an adult, people no longer tell me I should abide by this rule, yet I often find myself quoting this life rule to myself. Ever since I was diagnosed with lupus, I’ve had to sidestep off-handed, callous remarks about my health more times than I can count. To be honest, the way people respond to my illness has often surprised me. When I was first diagnosed with lupus, there were many things I knew I would have to learn to deal with, but people’s responses and remarks about my health was not one of them. I have a confession to make. I’ve never liked Philippians 1:29-30. It’s one those passages of Scripture that makes me uncomfortable every time I read it. Most people who experience a difficult time in their lives will skip past these few verses because they don’t like to think about what Paul is saying. In these two verses, Paul actually says, “For to you, it has been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, experiencing the same conflict which you saw in me, and now hear to be in me.”
By studying Paul’s life and all he was experiencing at the time he wrote the book of Philippians, I know Paul is talking to the people of Philippi about being persecuted for their faith in Christ, yet Paul’s words still bother me. Granted to suffer for Christ’s sake? To me, it sounds like Paul is saying it’s a privilege to suffer. Although I’ve learned to see God at work in my sickness, I don’t know that I would call it a privilege to be sick. As I studied these verses, I discovered something. The word used for suffering is closely linked to a word which means “to make proof of; test.” Paul also uses this word in other letters he wrote to describe various types of trials, which means sickness, financial trouble, and personal problems can apply to suffering for Christ’s sake. The more I studied this passage of Scripture, the more I began to understand what Paul meant by suffering for Christ’s sake. One of the leading topics in the United States this week has been about the dynamic duo in women’s beach volleyball. Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings have been an unstoppable team for twelve years. They have won three gold medals in the past three Summer Olympics, and it is my personal opinion their wins have more to do with their teamwork than it does in the talent they possess. Anyone who watched the semifinals in beach volleyball this week understands why I say this. The Brazilians, who won the bronze medal, were actually ranked number one coming into the Olympic games. Treanor and Jennings were ranked third, yet they won the gold medal. The reason for this is because the Brazilians constantly argued during their games, while Treanor and Jennings seemed to anticipate each other’s moves. It is because of this teamwork, some people are calling Treanor and Jennings one of the best beach volleyball teams in the history of the game.
As I studied Philippians 1:27, I couldn’t help but think of this amazing team, because in this verse, Paul talks about teamwork. He begins by saying Christians should conduct themselves in a manner worthy of Christ. The original language used indicates that we should behave in such a way that makes others want to have a relationship with Christ. He then goes on to give specific examples of how believers in Christ should behave. Paul says we are ”to stand firm in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel.” The thing which fascinates me about this passage is that the Greek word for striving comes from the word athleo. For those who think this word looks familiar, it’s because this is where we get the word for athlete. ”Striving together” indicates working together as a team so that we can win the contest. I'll never forget that day - the day I was told I would be dead in a year. Foolishly, I went to the doctor by myself. I knew I was sick, but I didn't think it was anything serious. Imagine my shock when the doctor told me my liver was inflamed and continually getting worse. Because of the lupus, my body was attacking my liver. Unbeknownst to me at the time, a person can't live without a liver. The doctors didn't know what to do, so I was told if my body didn't stop rejecting my liver, I would be dead in less than a year.
For the first twenty-four hours after that appointment, I was numb. A twenty-two year old isn't supposed to die because he or she is sick. Twenty-two year olds are supposed to graduate from college, get married, have kids, and live long, happy lives. Suffering isn't supposed to become a part of a person's life until he or she becomes elderly. In my mind, the doctor had simply made a mistake. I couldn't be as sick as he said. He read the tests wrong, or better yet, he had grabbed the wrong patient file and thought I was somebody else. Unfortunately, I could only live in denial for so long before the physical pain set-in. When this happened, I could no longer fool myself into believing I wasn't sick. The excruciating pain in my body demanded I accept the truth. Of all the nursery rhymes I learned as a child, "Humpty Dumpty" is the one that has stayed with me throughout the years. Maybe it's because I've often felt like a human version of Humpty Dumpty. Living with a chronic illness has taught me what it means to be broken. I understand what it feels like to look at the broken pieces of my life and feel like nothing can put the pieces back together. Yet I've learned there is Someone who can pick up the broken pieces of a person's life and make them whole: God.
Paul talks about this truth in Philippians 1:19-20. In the previous verses, Paul has been discussing all of the suffering he has had to endure. From being wrongly imprisoned to being mocked by people pretending to be Christians, Paul understood what it meant to have his life broken. Yet at the end of verse eighteen, Paul says he will rejoice because he knows that all of his problems will turn into his deliverance. |
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Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. AuthorErin Elizabeth Austin is a writer and speaker with a passion to help people find healing in the midst of their brokenness. ContributorJosie Siler, like millions of others, is living with chronic illness. She is eager to share the hope and joy that she has found in Christ, whether that is in a church, at a women’s retreat, over a cup of hot cocoa, or through a blog post. Archives
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