By Erin Elizabeth Austin
“You shouldn't be alive. Your liver is barely functioning at 15% and your kidneys are only slightly better. There’s absolutely no reason you’re alive. It’s a miracle! You should either be in Hospice care on death’s door or already dead.”
I heard these words three months ago by a new specialist I was seeing. Shocked is the best word I can I think of to describe what I felt. I knew something was wrong. Every day felt like I was thrown in the middle of the ocean with nothing to help keep me afloat but my own desire to stay alive. Each day was filled with countless moments of telling myself, “Put one foot in front of the other. You can do this.” Still, I wasn’t prepared to learn I should be dead. I knew things were bad; I just didn’t realize how bad my health had gotten.
We all experience a series of life-changing moments over the course of our lives. It’s what makes us who we are. Some of these experiences are expected, like accepting a new job and moving halfway across the country, while other moments surprise us. And while we weren’t necessarily looking to be changed, we find ourselves changing all the same.
This was one of those moments for me. I’ve been told by doctors three different times during the twelve years I’ve been sick that I would die if they couldn’t stop the progression of the lupus, so one would think this would be no different, but it was. I had grown so discouraged during November and December because I was in such constant pain. I knew I couldn’t keep fighting much longer, and I was begging God to intervene and help. But God was silent, or so I thought. I prayed, and nothing happened. Each day became a little harder to get through and no one understood what I had to endure. When I tried to explain, people thought I was complaining and could push through the pain if I wanted to. I’d done it in the past, so why couldn’t I do it now? I was sick, suffering, lonely, and worst of all, I felt abandoned by God. He was silent.
I went to see the new specialist as a Hail Mary Pass. Regular doctors hadn’t been able to help me, so maybe someone who looked at autoimmune diseases in a completely different way could. The first day was filled with tests, poking and prodding, and sticking me with needles as if I were a pincushion. The rest of the week included numerous treatments and a ridiculous amount of shots to try and get my organs to begin to work once again. By the end of the week, a miracle happened. My liver went from functioning at 15% up to 35%. Although I was still deathly ill, I had made a turn in the right direction to becoming well.
We all experience a series of life-changing moments over the course of our lives. It’s what makes us who we are. Some of these experiences are expected, like accepting a new job and moving halfway across the country, while other moments surprise us. And while we weren’t necessarily looking to be changed, we find ourselves changing all the same.
This was one of those moments for me. I’ve been told by doctors three different times during the twelve years I’ve been sick that I would die if they couldn’t stop the progression of the lupus, so one would think this would be no different, but it was. I had grown so discouraged during November and December because I was in such constant pain. I knew I couldn’t keep fighting much longer, and I was begging God to intervene and help. But God was silent, or so I thought. I prayed, and nothing happened. Each day became a little harder to get through and no one understood what I had to endure. When I tried to explain, people thought I was complaining and could push through the pain if I wanted to. I’d done it in the past, so why couldn’t I do it now? I was sick, suffering, lonely, and worst of all, I felt abandoned by God. He was silent.
I went to see the new specialist as a Hail Mary Pass. Regular doctors hadn’t been able to help me, so maybe someone who looked at autoimmune diseases in a completely different way could. The first day was filled with tests, poking and prodding, and sticking me with needles as if I were a pincushion. The rest of the week included numerous treatments and a ridiculous amount of shots to try and get my organs to begin to work once again. By the end of the week, a miracle happened. My liver went from functioning at 15% up to 35%. Although I was still deathly ill, I had made a turn in the right direction to becoming well.
As the treatments have continued over the past three months and I’ve dealt with more sickness than I care to describe, I’ve found myself thinking about the story of when Lazarus died and Jesus brought him back to life after four days (John 11). I’ve always looked at the story from the perspective of Mary, Martha, and even Jesus, but it wasn’t until recently I began to think about what Lazarus must have felt.
Think about it: You’re dead. Life is over and you’re in heaven. And then the unthinkable happens. You get a second chance at living. So what do you do? Do you do everything the same as you did before, or do you approach this life with a different attitude, with a different set of rules? I know I have. I may not have actually died, but I should have. For whatever reason, God intervened, which means He has a plan for me, just like He has a plan for you.
Personally, I’m no longer holding on to my worries and fears. I’m choosing to trust God no matter what. I’ve realized that just because it seems like God is silent doesn’t mean He isn’t working in my life. He is actively involved in each of our lives; sometimes, it simply takes awhile to see what He’s doing. He hears every prayer each of us says; He sees every tear each of us cries. He cares about each and every one of us!
So the next time it seems like God is silent, remember this: God is for you. When your health is failing, God is for you. When friends betray you and family members hurt you, God is for you. When you wonder how you’ll survive the day, God is for you. He is always for you, even when it doesn’t feel like it. He is the only One who will never fail you, leave you, or forsake you. So rather than blame God for your problems, run to Him. Trust God. Cling to Him. He is for YOU!
“And Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, ‘Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I know that You always hear Me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that You sent me.’ When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out.’ The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, ‘Unbind him, and let him go.’” ~ John 11:41-44
© March 25, 2014
Think about it: You’re dead. Life is over and you’re in heaven. And then the unthinkable happens. You get a second chance at living. So what do you do? Do you do everything the same as you did before, or do you approach this life with a different attitude, with a different set of rules? I know I have. I may not have actually died, but I should have. For whatever reason, God intervened, which means He has a plan for me, just like He has a plan for you.
Personally, I’m no longer holding on to my worries and fears. I’m choosing to trust God no matter what. I’ve realized that just because it seems like God is silent doesn’t mean He isn’t working in my life. He is actively involved in each of our lives; sometimes, it simply takes awhile to see what He’s doing. He hears every prayer each of us says; He sees every tear each of us cries. He cares about each and every one of us!
So the next time it seems like God is silent, remember this: God is for you. When your health is failing, God is for you. When friends betray you and family members hurt you, God is for you. When you wonder how you’ll survive the day, God is for you. He is always for you, even when it doesn’t feel like it. He is the only One who will never fail you, leave you, or forsake you. So rather than blame God for your problems, run to Him. Trust God. Cling to Him. He is for YOU!
“And Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, ‘Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I know that You always hear Me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that You sent me.’ When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out.’ The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, ‘Unbind him, and let him go.’” ~ John 11:41-44
© March 25, 2014
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